Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
