MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
