hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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