Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
