yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
