My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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