brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
