Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
