afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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