She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
