dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
