Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
