??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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