omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize