woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
