Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
