If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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