You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
