You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
