My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
