The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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