Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
