I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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