she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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