I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
