We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
