when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
