We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize