There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please come you make the beer taste better
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
50% drunk capacity currently
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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