By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I think people are normalizing furries
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
