Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
