If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
