This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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