You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
