I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
