Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
