i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
