Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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