The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize