mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
