You just made me feel so damn special
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
