I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
