I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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