I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
