I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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