Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
