is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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