He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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