oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i will never coherently bang her
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
