i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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