I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
40s are totally the cure
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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