You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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