i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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