How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
