Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
