I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
