Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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